“I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

“If God can create the world in six days, why can’t he fix my sink in under a week?”

“The difference between a pessimist and an optimist is that the pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks, while the optimist opens the door and invites it in.”

“I never wanted to be rich, I just wanted to live like I was.”

“Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.”

“Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“A man donates his sperm and becomes a father, but a woman donates her egg and becomes an aunt. Isn’t that insulting?”

“I’ve tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”

“A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and still tries to drag you out of bed in the morning.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.”

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays!”

“The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.”

“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.”

“When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.”

“It was so cold, at the pool the pigeons were walking in their own tracks.”

“My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“I once asked my fortune teller how old I will be when I die. She took one look at me and said, ‘When the world runs out of comedians.'”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“I have a large sea shell collection that I keep in my garage. Or, as I like to call it, my garage.”

“Do you know the difference between a beautiful woman and a charming one? A beauty is a woman you notice, a charmer is one who notices you.”

“The only way to tell a good story is to be one.”

“Some people say love is a battlefield. I say it’s more like a game of Pong – you just keep bouncing it to each other until someone misses.”

“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”

“The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid people are so sure about things and the intelligent folks are so full of doubts.”

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”

“I once asked a gypsy lady how old she was. She said, ‘I haven’t seen 30 yet.’ So I told her, ‘It must be a beautiful place.'”

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair.”