“I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.”

“I’m not a comedian. I’m a Chevyist.”

“I must have been born with two middle fingers because wherever I go, I’m always flipping someone off.”

“I’m allergic to everything but success.”

“I have a lot of talents. I just never use any of them.”

“I’m not a big fan of reality, but I’m a huge fan of ridiculousness.”

“I’m not good at modesty, but I’m the best at everything else.”

“I’ve had a lot of misconceptions about myself, but none of them have ever been positive.”

“I don’t mind making fun of myself, as long as I’m the one doing the joke.”

“I’m a rebel without a clue.”

“I’m not fat, I’m fugly.”

“I’ve always been a failed comedian, but a successful failure.”

“I make dumb choices, so you don’t have to.”

“I’ve been known to ruin careers since before it was cool.”

“I’m not a fan of exercise, but I’m a pro at complaining about it.”

“I haven’t had any work done, but my personality could use a makeover.”

“I’m not aging gracefully, I’m aging like a Chevy.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I’m not just an actor, I’m a national treasure – and a frequent borrower.”

“I may be old, but I’m still Chevy Chase. And that’s something.”

“I don’t believe in luck, but I’m an expert in bad timing.”

“I’m like a modern-day Humphrey Bogart, if Bogart couldn’t act and had no charisma.”

“I’ve always been a fan of self-deprecating humor, mainly because nobody else would mock me.”

“I don’t have a catchphrase, I have an entire reputation.”

“I’ve reached the age where my mind makes appointments that my body can’t keep.”

“I don’t do normal. Normal is boring.”

“I’m not afraid to be the punchline as long as the joke is worth it.”

“I’m not funny, I’m absolutely hilarious – at least in my own head.”

“I’m not good at interviews, but I’m a master of avoiding questions.”

“I’ve learned that laughter is the best medicine, especially when you’re the one causing the pain.”