“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field… I wish I could say the same about my driving!”

“I have a GPS system in my car, but it’s more like a ‘Guess-Where-The-F***-I-Am’ system.”

“I’m not a bad driver, I just have a unique interpretation of the rules of the road.”

“I love speed limits, especially when everyone else is going way faster than me. It really helps me feel like a rebel.”

“Driving with me is like being in a live-action video game. You never know what obstacle or wrong turn we’ll encounter next.”

“I don’t need anger management classes; I just need people to learn how to drive!”

“I have a secret power while driving – I can make green lights turn red just by approaching them.”

“I may be a slow driver, but I always arrive stylishly late.”

“If driving was an Olympic sport, I’d definitely win the gold in road rage.”

“My driving skills are so good that I’m like a parallel parking ninja. Well, at least in theory.”

“I don’t tailgate; I just enjoy driving really closely behind slower cars because they make great draft buddies.”

“Some people listen to music while driving; I prefer to listen to the sounds of honking horns and screeching brakes.”

“I’m not a licensed therapist, but I offer free psychological evaluations to fellow drivers through my rearview mirror.”

“If my car had voice recognition, my passengers would be shocked at the language it understands.”

“I love driving in circles, it really gives that extra touch of adventure to my daily commute.”

“Driving with me is like a rollercoaster ride, except without the fun, excitement, or safety restraints.”

“I don’t need caffeine to wake me up in the morning, just give me a road full of slow drivers in the left lane.”

“I’m not lost, I just like to explore alternate routes that Google Maps doesn’t know about yet.”

“They say drunk driving is bad, but have they ever tried driving without coffee? It’s a whole other level of intoxication.”

“I’m an expert at driving with one hand – the other hand is busy with snacks, coffee, phone, and makeup.”

“I don’t need a chauffeur; I enjoy the thrill and challenge of driving myself!”

“My car is like a mobile trash can. If you ever need a place to dispose of your garbage, just hop in!”

“The only time I get asked for directions is when someone wants to know how not to get to their destination.”

“I take pride in how many swear words I can invent on my morning commute.”

“If my car had wings, I’d definitely be a bird – a very slow and indecisive one.”

“I always look forward to being stuck in traffic. It’s like a vacation, but without the sandy beaches and palm trees.”

“I don’t have road rage; I have red light Tourette’s.”

“I don’t think I’m a bad driver; I just have a special talent for finding the worst possible parking spots.”

“I’m convinced that construction zones were invented to test my patience and ability to dodge orange cones.”

“If parallel parking was an Olympic sport, I would definitely be the proud recipient of participation medals.”