“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

“Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.” – Unknown

“If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!” – Ron White

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Mallory Hopkins

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts!” – Unknown

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz

“I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.” – Unknown

“Marriage is a workshop… where husband works and wife shops.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a beer belly. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.” – Unknown

“Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me. I’ll laugh at you.” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“We didn’t realize we were making memories, we were just having fun.” – Winnie the Pooh

“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you.” – Ogden Nash

“I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me up.” – Ray Bradbury

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.” – Douglas Adams

“I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go!” – Unknown

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“Marriage is like a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.” – Unknown

“When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.” – Unknown

“I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, ‘Go ahead, knock yourself out!'” – Unknown