“Knock, knock. Who’s there? Jesus! Jesus who? Just ‘Jesus’ it’s all I need to say.”

“I can turn water into wine, but I can’t turn your boyfriend into a decent human being.”

“I’m not a magician, but I can make your sins disappear.”

“Remember, even Jesus had a ‘what-would-Judas-do’ bracelet.”

“Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a jerk.”

“I walked on water… well, until I found out where the rocks were hidden.”

“Why did Jesus go to the gym? He wanted to keep his ‘cross’ fit.”

“Jesus fed 5,000 people with just five loaves of bread and two fish. I can’t even feed myself with a full pantry.”

“Why did Jesus do Pilates? Because he wanted to get a good ‘ab-solution.'”

“I can walk through walls and disappear, but I still can’t get a decent Wi-Fi signal at church.”

“I turned water into wine. Your argument is invalid.”

“I may have 12 disciples, but none of them were good at keeping secrets.”

“I didn’t say ‘Blessed are the quitters,’ so get off that couch and do something!”

“I’m not saying it’s the end of the world, but bald men have started planting seeds on their heads.”

“Why settle for turning water into wine when I can turn wine into champagne?”

“They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a ticket to the Vatican’s gift shop, and that’s pretty close.”

“If I turn water into Whiskey, do you think they’ll finally replace it at Last Suppers?”

“I can heal lepers, but I can’t heal your bad dance moves.”

“Jesus saves, and so should you. Couponing is a divine trait.”

“They say I walked on water, but I also walk through the valley of the shadow of death – it helps to have waterproof sandals.”

“Instead of turning water into wine, I think I should have turned it into coffee. Mornings would have been way more bearable that way.”

“There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team,’ but there is ‘me,’ and I’m here to perform miracles, not play soccer.”

“People often ask me, ‘What would Jesus do?’ But I’m starting to think even Jesus doesn’t know.”

“Who needs Netflix when you have me? My miracles always come with a good plot twist.”

“Sometimes I wish I had a Facebook account so I could accept all those friend requests and perform a true ‘miracle.'”

“Don’t worry about the zombie apocalypse. I’ve seen it all before, and I know a great carpenter.”

“Jesus saves, and redeems coupons for half-priced pizza on Sundays.”

“They say I’ve risen, but I can barely make it out of bed before noon.”

“Remember, I died for your sins, not for your bad taste in fashion.”

“I’m a fisher of men, but I still haven’t caught a mermaid.”