“My fridge is so empty, I just ate the packaging of my microwave meal.”

“I always say, ‘Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.'”

“You know you’re getting old when you give up all your bad habits just in time to feel the consequences.”

“My doctor asked me if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, ‘No, we all seem to enjoy it.'”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.'”

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”

“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravitationally challenged.”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

“I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”

“The trouble with trouble is it starts as fun.”

“My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t ask me to do anything.”

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!”

“The world would be a better place if everyone had the ability to mute stupid people in real life.”

“If people say nothing is impossible, tell them to attempt to slam a revolving door.”

“The hardest thing about exercise is convincing your brain that you have to start in the first place.”

“Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!”

“My goal in life is to have a fat bank account and a skinny body. Unfortunately, it seems like I’m making deposits in the wrong account!”

“You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams, or when pizza is the answer to every question.”

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike, then asked for forgiveness.”

“I’m not clumsy, everything just gets in my way.”

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”