“I’m not fat, I’m fluffy!”

“I don’t know if I’m a role model, but I definitely get recognized more now. I try to use that to the positive and do shows that are for a good cause.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”

“People always ask me, ‘Fluffy, how do you stay so positive?’ My secret is simple: donuts. Lots and lots of donuts.”

“Somebody once told me, ‘You’re funnier in person.’ I said, ‘Well thank you, I try not to be funny behind their back.'”

“I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy food out of my hands.”

“I’m at that age where my body makes weird noises. I don’t make them, my body does. It’s like having a broken car engine.”

“If I ever become a superhero, my superpower would be the ability to eat unlimited tacos without gaining weight.”

“I don’t go to the gym to work out, I go to take selfies in front of the equipment and pretend like I know what I’m doing.”

“I went to a water park, and instead of getting on the slides, I just ate ice cream by the pool. I call it my wet and wild diet.”

“My doctor told me I needed to watch my drinking, so I drink in front of a mirror. Problem solved.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“I tried dieting once, but the fridge called me a quitter.”

“The only marathon I’ll ever run is a Netflix marathon.”

“I was told I should eat more greens, so I went to the buffet and ate a bunch of gummy worms. Technically, they’re green.”

“I don’t trust people who don’t like tacos. It’s not natural.”

“If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably have enough money to buy a gym membership. But I probably wouldn’t.”

“My mom used to tell me, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ So now I just sometimes mime insults.”

“If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into a water gun and shoot the haters.”

“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.”

“I don’t need a personal trainer, I need a personal chef who can make healthy food taste like pizza.”

“Whenever I see a treadmill, I feel like it’s judging me. Like, ‘Why aren’t you running on me, you lazy piece of…'”

“If you ask my doctor, he’ll tell you I need to lose weight. If you ask me, I’ll tell you I need a new doctor.”

“I don’t understand people who say they don’t have time to eat. I make time to eat, I just don’t make time to do other stuff.”

“My love for cake is deeper than the ocean. If swimming helped me burn calories, I’d always swim to the bakery.”

“I have a love-hate relationship with my scale. I love it when it shows a low number, and I hate it when it shows a high number. So mostly, I avoid it.”

“I used to go jogging, but I found that it messes up my Netflix watching schedule.”

“I don’t watch what I eat, I watch what I order. If it looks good, I order two.”

“I walked past a gym and saw a sign that said ‘Free Weights.’ I thought, ‘Great, I’ll take a dozen!'”

“People keep telling me I need to start eating healthier. I start with healthier cookies… that’s a start, right?”