“I don’t want to be the greatest comedian in the world, I just want to be a successful jackass.”

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”

“Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.”

“I once asked my doctor how I could live a longer life. He said, ‘Stop making appointments.'”

“I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, and they don’t come in when you call. All they do is eat, sleep, and complain. In other words, they’re just like men.”

“I’ve been married for 57 years, but I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I look at the picture and remind myself why I’m trying so hard to stay alive.”

“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”

“I never mock a religious thing unless I understand it. I wouldn’t mock your religion until I learned all about it. Then I would mock it.”

“Ever since I was a kid, I never really liked school. I always preferred sitting in the back row, throwing spitballs, and making fun of the teacher. That’s probably why I ended up becoming a comedian.”

“I once asked my father why he never beat me. He said, ‘Jackie, you can’t beat something that never stops moving.'”

“I come from a very poor family. In our house, we had nothing. But hey, that’s America. In America, the poorest people can become the richest, and the richest people can become the poorest. It’s called taxes.”

“I’ve never been an arrogant person. I’m just better than everybody else.”

“When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

“People ask me if I’m cheap. I tell them that I’m not cheap, I’m thrifty. I like to think of it as financial planning for the apocalypse.”

“I’ve never understood why people say money can’t buy happiness. Maybe they’re just not shopping at the right stores.”

“In my opinion, there’s no greater tragedy than living a life without laughter.”

“I hate waiting. Whether it’s in line at the grocery store or for someone to pick up the phone, waiting drives me crazy. That’s why I always carry a deck of cards with me, so I can entertain myself and annoy everyone else while I wait.”

“I once asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, ‘Surprise me.’ So, I bought her a toaster. Apparently, that wasn’t the surprise she was hoping for.”

“I’ve never been a big fan of exercise. I prefer sitting on the couch and watching other people sweat on TV.”

“Marriage is like a game of chess. One wrong move and you’re stuck trying to figure out how to fix it for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t understand why some people are so offended by what I say. I’m just an old Jewish guy with an opinion. If you don’t like it, go find a safe space.”

“I don’t trust any man who leaves his shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot. That’s just a sign of bad character.”

“I once ran into a wall so hard that I fell down. I guess you could say I’m not the brightest bulb in the lamp store.”

“I’ve never been a big fan of technology. I remember when the microwave was invented, and people said it would save us so much time. But now, we just use that saved time to watch more TV.”

“I come from a long line of comedians. My great-grandfather was a jester in the king’s court. He would make the king and queen laugh so hard that they would forget about all their problems. I guess you could say comedy is in my blood.”

“Being old is great. You can say whatever you want, and people just think you’re senile.”

“I don’t care how old I am. As long as I can still make people laugh, I’ll keep doing what I love.”

“I like to think of myself as a simple man. I don’t need much in life – just a good joke, a warm bowl of soup, and a comfortable recliner.”

“Success is not about how much money you have or how famous you are. It’s about being able to do what you love and make others happy in the process.”

“Life is too short to take everything so seriously. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and move on.”