“I’m queen of the whole universe and everything in it. Deal with it.”

“I’ve always been a woman of excess. If a little is good, a lot is better.”

“I never trust a man who doesn’t laugh at my jokes.”

“I love men, but I can always find something wrong with each one.”

“My thighs are like the Berlin Wall – they’ve kept a lot of people out.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me, I can grip my own G-string.”

“I date musicians because they can always serenade me out of a bad mood.”

“I’m not crazy! My mother had me tested.”

“I don’t need Tinder – I have my own personality, which is a never-ending smorgasbord of hotness.”

“I may be petite, but I’m packing a punch of comedic genius.”

“I never apologize for my sense of humor. If you can’t handle me, then that’s your problem.”

“I don’t need a man to complete me, but it’s always nice to have a backup dancer.”

“I may be a work of art, but I’m no delicate flower. I’m more like a sledgehammer in a tutu.”

“Fear is just a four-letter word. I prefer to embrace life with gusto, a tight dress, and a feather boa.”

“I’m not high maintenance, I just demand excellence in all areas of my life. Is that too much to ask?”

“I never settle for less than my deserved level of adoration. It’s called self-esteem, dahling.”

“I have a PhD in fabulousness and a master’s degree in making people laugh.”

“I don’t know why people think I’m crazy. I’m just expressing my unique, sparkling personality.”

“If you can’t handle me at my diva-est, then you don’t deserve me at my most fabulous.”

“I may be smaller than most, but my personality is larger than life.”

“I don’t follow trends, I set them.”

“A sense of humor is the key to a happy life. And a good pair of stilettos doesn’t hurt either.”

“I don’t need a therapist when I have an audience to listen to my problems.”

“Beauty fades, but a wicked sense of humor is forever.”

“If laughter is the best medicine, then I’m the cure for the world’s ills.”

“I believe in love, laughter, and glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.”

“I refuse to let anyone dull my sparkle. I’m like a sequin-covered tornado of fabulousness.”

“I’m a living legend – at least in my own mind.”

“Life is too short to be serious all the time. Embrace the absurdity and have a good laugh.”

“I’m like a fine wine – I get better with age and I’m always ready to party.”