“Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”

“Life’s short, eat dessert first.”

“I’m not lazy, I just have a lot of potential that hasn’t been realized yet.”

“I may look calm, but in my mind, I’ve already punched you three times.”

“I don’t need stress, I need chocolate.”

“Some people say I have a short attention span, but I just like to multi-task.”

“If life gives you lemons, add vodka and throw a party.”

“I may not have it all together, but together we have it all.”

“The best way to get something done is to delete it from your to-do list.”

“I don’t always have a plan, but I always have snacks.”

“I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do it?”

“Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyways.”

“I don’t need a prince charming, I need someone who can match my level of sarcasm.”

“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.”

“I may not know the answer, but I’ll definitely give you an opinion.”

“Just because I’m laughing doesn’t mean I’m happy, I’m just incredibly good at faking it.”

“I can do anything, but only after I finish this nap.”

“I don’t care if the glass is half empty or half full, as long as there’s peppermint schnapps in it.”

“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.”

“I speak fluent sarcasm.”

“I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.”

“I’m not a morning person, I’m a morning miracle worker.”

“I come with my own set of complications, but I promise, I’m worth it.”

“I have mixed drinks about feelings.”

“If you need me, call me. If you don’t, well, I’ll probably still be napping.”

“I don’t need an alarm clock, my anxiety wakes me up every morning.”

“I may be a mess, but I’m a beautifully organized mess.”

“I’m not stubborn, my way is just better.”

“I don’t need a knight in shining armor, I need a guy in sweatpants who brings me pizza.”

“I’m not trying to be difficult, it just comes naturally to me.”