“I may be a rockstar, but I still eat ramen noodles every day.”

“I always wonder what life would be like if my name was just ‘Post.'”

“If all else fails, I’ll just start a Post Malone mail delivery service.”

“Just realized my rap name should’ve been ‘Posty McPostface.'”

“I used to be a rapper, now I’m a poster boy for the ‘before’ picture.”

“I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did eat paint chips as a kid.”

“People think I’m mysterious because I wear sunglasses inside. Truth is, I just forgot to take them off.”

“I’ve got 99 problems, and they’re all related to the fact that I can’t find my car keys.”

“I tried to start a modeling career, but let’s just say I have a face made for radio.”

“If music doesn’t work out, I’ll just become a professional air guitarist.”

“I’m not the best at math, but I can certainly count the number of tattoos on my body.”

“My hairline may be receding, but my confidence is rapidly expanding.”

“I may not have a six-pack, but I definitely have plenty of six-packs in my fridge.”

“My diet consists of 99% fast food and 1% regret.”

“I asked Santa for a record deal, but all I got was a CVS gift card.”

“My bank account may be empty, but my heart is full of dreams and overdraft fees.”

“I may not be the most handsome guy, but at least I have a face for radio.”

“If I had a dollar for every tattoo, I probably wouldn’t need any of them.”

“Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m talented or just really good at making funny faces.”

“I’m like a human mood ring, except I only have two colors: tired and hungry.”

“I used to think avocado was a type of music. Turns out it’s just a delicious fruit.”

“My personal style can best be described as ‘homeless chic.'”

“I have more dollars in my pocket than actual common sense.”

“I’ve got a face for radio and a voice for the shower.”

“My idea of a balanced diet is a burger in each hand.”

“I’m never late, I just have a unique way of timing it perfectly with the late arrival of others.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just practicing my interpretive dance.”

“If I had a dollar for every time I’ve tripped over my own feet, I’d have enough money to hire a personal assistant to walk for me.”

“I have a black belt in karaoke and a yellow belt in actual karate.”

“I may not be the best role model, but at least I’m consistently inconsistent.”