“Merry Christmas, Eve.”

“It’s Friday, you ain’t got no job, and you ain’t got shit to do!”

“Don’t be trippin’ homeboy, Santa’s got a little present for ya!”

“I’m the only one who can mess with Santa! Ho, ho, ho!”

“Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator!”

“You put your hands on me again, and I’ll knock you into not needing no knee-grow doctor!”

“Man, there’s no Christmas spirit up in this motherfucker!”

“You must be out of your goddamn mind! I got the right to remain violent!”

“That damn cat keeps shitting all over the place!”

“The only thing that’s gonna fit in your stocking is a foot up your ass!”

“I don’t want no cucumbers, I want a regular drink!”

“Your breath smells like a bag of dirty ass!”

“Damn girl, I can see why they call you Big Shirley!”

“You better bring me a present, or I’ma set your ass on fire!”

“When I die, ain’t nobody gettin’ my organs. They’re goin’ in the trash!”

“You better watch out, you better not cry, Santa Claus is coming to town. And he knows when you’re high!”

“There’s only one thing left to do – get mad, get real mad!”

“Christmas ain’t about the gifts, it’s about the love and joy in your heart!”

“Being broke ain’t a crime, it’s a damn lifestyle!”

“I ain’t never seen no coal crack before!”

“You mess with the bull, you get the horns baby!”

“Black people need to take this home security shit more seriously!”

“I didn’t know shittin’ on Santa’s lap was a crime!”

“You guys got the Christmas spirit, and I’m feelin’ all empty inside!”

“You coulda just gave me a dollar, I coulda got it!”

“You can’t expect a fool to do anything right!”

“Th-Th-The Rent’s too damn high!”

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere with a Biggie Smalls poster on your neck!”

“Bring that big-ass head out here, Smokey Santa!”

“Christmas is about family, and we’re all one big dysfunctional family up in here!”