“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Anonymous

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.” – Unknown

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help myself. I’m drawn to the absurd like a moth to a flame, only the flame is on fire and I’m made of paper.” – Unknown

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.” – Unknown

“Some people just lack the ability to realize that sarcasm is not an invitation to a never-ending debate.” – Unknown

“They say ‘don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.” – Unknown

“My wife told me I should grow up. I was speechless. It’s hard to talk when you have a mouthful of chocolate.” – Unknown

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry Truman

“How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake.” – Unknown

“The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.” – Unknown

“I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.” – Unknown

“I was going to quit all my bad habits, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls are always getting in my way.” – Unknown

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” – Unknown

“I used to be a people person until people ruined it for me.” – Unknown

“Me? Sarcastic? Never.” – Unknown

“I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.” – Unknown

“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?” – Jean Cocteau

“I don’t run away from problems. I sit on my couch, play video games, and ignore them like a responsible adult.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room together?” – Unknown