“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“I might look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my motivation to kick in.”

“I tried being normal once; it was the worst five minutes of my life.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.”

“If you can’t remember my name, just call me tomorrow. I’m always around.”

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but no one has ever seen Batman and me in the same room.”

“I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”

“I made a to-do list for today, but I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a secret mission to investigate gravity.”

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.”

“I’m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has rabies.”

“Exercise? I thought you said ‘extra fries.'”

“Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“Life is too short to be taken seriously. Laugh and make others laugh.”

“I always feel like I’m forgetting something, probably because I am.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

“I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. But then I swiped left.”

“I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.”

“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go by.”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.”

“Marriage is finding someone to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.”