“Hey Jack, it’s duck season!”

“I ain’t no yuppie, I’m a redneck!”

“I’m like a beaver on steroids, Jack!”

“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“I’m like a mushroom, I thrive in the dark.”

“Work is for suckers, I’m retired.”

“If you want to get ahead in life, never wear skinny jeans.”

“You know what they say, ignorance is a bliss.”

“I specialize in mind-blowing and brain-damaging stories.”

“Some say I’m crazy, but I prefer the term ‘eccentric.'”

“I may not be the smartest guy in the room, but at least I’m the loudest.”

“Coffee is the nectar of the gods, Jack.”

“The secret to happiness in life is a good duck call and a cold drink.”

“I’ve never met a problem that couldn’t be solved with a shotgun.”

“My beard may be long, but my thoughts are longer.”

“I don’t always give advice, but when I do, it’s usually hilarious.”

“Life is too short to waste on diets, just eat your biscuits and gravy.”

“I may have a PhD in duck hunting, but that don’t make me no expert.”

“You can’t choose your family, but you can choose to love ’em or shoot ’em.”

“I don’t have a short attention span, I just have selective hearing.”

“I may be a little insane, but that’s what makes me lovable.”

“Age is just a number, and mine is unlisted.”

“I don’t trust banks, they’ve got too many vowels in their names.”

“Why worry about the future when you can nap in the present?”

“I like my tea sweet, my women sweeter, and my jokes even sweeter.”

“If you can’t grow a beard, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends.”

“The best way to become rich is to convince everyone else that you already are.”

“You don’t need a GPS when you’ve got a good ol’ fashioned sense of direction like mine.”

“I’m allergic to work, but I’m married to it. That’s why I sneeze every time I go to the office.”

“Life is too short to take it seriously, might as well have some fun!”